Having to deal with everything yourself isn’t easy. You take up more than you can chew and bad things are bound to happen. Add ‘that-time-of-the-month’ on top of it all, and I’m pretty dangerous at the moment. I’m trying to organise a wedding, buy a garage, submit our house plans by the end of the month, getting my work done, trying to figure out what to do after the wedding, and tons of other small stuff. I’m not into delegation. I know what I want and how I want it done, and even though I may ask for opinions and ideas, it’s always my original thoughts that get the go-ahead. It’s not that I don’t trust others to do things, it’s just that I would always be thinking that I could have done it better – and that’s not necessarily so! And if something had to go wrong, I’d feel as guilty as hell. So instead, I take on everything myself and sometimes end up doing things without thinking, and end up with stupid consequences. Like buying 300 party poppers from an internet site. And shipping them to A’s house in England. And not telling him. Poor A calls me, sounding very confused, and tells me that he received this huge box at work containing all these poppers, and asking me how was he supposed to bring them to Malta? I emailed the airline, and after they must have laughed hysterically at my query, they politely told me that it was better if the party poppers did not make it on board. So A has to either ship them here, or else if you know anyone in England who requires 300 party poppers, kindly give them my email. Or A’s email better still.
At the moment A knows better than to chide me, because as we say, ‘qisni suffarel’ – basically one word of disapproval or complaint, and I’ll bite his head off. He is the most patient person I know, and poor thing has to put up with me. And my terrible, terrible moods. Especially at the moment, when I’m crying one moment, yelling the next, hanging up the phone a minute later, and emailing him and calling to apologize the next. He dared to ask me, quite innocently so poor thing, what was the purpose of renting a church carpet….he must have wished he’d never asked! Mum is always asking me how he puts up with me when I’m in The Mood. And I don’t know. I guess when I’m good, I’m very very good, but when I’m bad, I’m …..(somehow ‘better’ doesn’t fit in well here!)
If I was living during normal times, the answer would be vain but so very simple. Just one afternoon of retail therapy and I’d be as good as new. But that isn’t even an option anymore. The closest thing I got to The Point, is seeing it on the news last Sunday. I don’t trust myself to go there in person, alone. I would shop myself silly, hide the receipts as usual, and head home happy and high from the experience! Who needs drugs – go shopping!
But perhaps the biggest gloomy patch at the moment is missing A. We have our 10-day absences which I’ve (reluctantly) grown used to now. But this time we’re going to have been apart for 17 days, and today (day 10) is the worst day of all. People are always telling me stupid things like absence makes the heart grow fonder, and ‘it’s only England’, and it’ll pass etc. When I hear that, I honestly have to resist kicking them or screaming in their face. It can be Australia for all I care, it’s never easier and every time I drop him off at the airport it’s like a having a tiny piece of my heart ripped out bit by bit. After a year and a half, every other time I take him to the airport, we always end up having a scene in the car (he will kill me if he reads this!!) It’s hard for me but I know it’s harder for him being separated not only from me, but his whole family, his friends and his life here. But the end of all that is hopefully near, so that gives me some courage. One thing I always tell him is that had I known what a separation like this truly meant, there is no way I would have let him go. Or better still, I’d have left with him. But what is done, is done and you can’t change that, so you look ahead and take comfort in the fact that after all this, things can only get better.
PS – Don’t call the doctors yet. I’ll be totally fine today week 🙂
In the meantime I found this song I love – just thought I’d share it!