30 days and nights

It’s one month to the day, today. And boy can I feel the real impact of it all! I’m currently ‘coming to work’ without any appetite whatsoever and I end up doing everything except work-related stuff. The Real Nerves have started kicking in, and talk about pre-wedding jitters! I knew this would end up happening, because I’m that sort of person. I’m a perfectionist, I don’t ask for help because I know that if I don’t do something, I’ll fault it and end up re-doing it in the end and I’m the panicky sort. During my third year at university I ended up having awful panic attacks – they started off during the night, and in the end they were triggered off just by a simple thought. It was terrible, not knowing when it would happen, and only having a second or two to prepare for the hellish sensation of feeling all hot and claustrophobic, wanting to get out and run, and truly believing you’ve gone all cuckoo!  When my finals finished, the panic attacks stopped. But for the 3-4 months they lasted, they were awful.

At the moment I’m not suffering from any serious panic attacks, but everything seems to be shooting at me from all sorts of directions! The latest ‘scare’ was yesterday when I messaged the best man to see if all was proceeding well with A’s bachelor do, and he told me that they were going to do it on a Friday…when A would be arriving at 1am…early Saturday morning! I don’t even want to re-read the message I sent him because I’d probably commit myself. However he messaged later on during the afternoon to tell me all was settled. Phew!

To top it all off, night before last, I had the most disturbing dream  It involved ‘possession’ and creatures of the underworld…if you get my meaning. I dreamt of waking up and finding all my invitations torn in small pieces, the flowers I so lovingly made were on fire and doors were closing on their own. I’m still a bit shaken this morning.

I needed fresh air, sun and a relaxing afternoon so thank God a friend of mine texted me to meet her and her adorable 10-month old son for a coffee. I met them in Xlendi, which was windy but the sun was out at least! We’ve been friends for such a long time – we met during Year 5 of primary school when she came from abroad, and have remained the best of friends all throughout the years. Her son is the happiest baby I have ever seen. He was smiling and saying small words, laughing all the way through, and very quietly sat in his stroller playing with his toys, while mummy and her neurotic good friend chatted away like crazy! After two hours of that, I went home feeling much better.

Of course now it’s morning again, and I’m making the mental lists again, thinking of this and that which still needs to be done, and getting all wrought up again. And I only have 30 days…and 30 nights of this!


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