1. I do not change my mind very easily.
2. I am often perceived as a bit offish and reserved.
3. I am as stubborn as a mule.
These three characteristics of mine have hindered me at times. They have perhaps limited myself into fully experiencing certain events and making new acquaintances. Yet knowing that and the full impact it has, try as I may, I pretty much always follow my first instinct, my first reaction. I will meet someone and for some reason, some very strange one, I am immediately put off them. I will try and make conversation, I will try to get to know them and perhaps change my mind about them, but in the majority of cases, to no avail. One of the few instances I recall where my opinion made a 180-degree turn was in the case of my hairdresser. I had known her by sight for a couple of years, yet we had never talked to eachother. We visited the same wine-bar, we met every weekend, but I never made an effort to talk to her because of my preconceived notions. I somehow took her to be a snobbish person who looked at others from the tip of her nose downwards.
Then my ex-hairdresser turned my blonde highlights into orangey ones – and not the strawberry blonde colour I love, but the Doris-from-Hamrun look, where I already had roots before even leaving her salon.
(With all due respect to any Doris from Hamrun reading this, but you know what I mean!)
So, an emergency visit to the hair salon she now works at made us meet for the first time. And God how we clicked! After my first visit, I quit my old hairdresser and started visiting her on a weekly basis. We have chatted over coffee and talked about everything and anything. We have laughed over situations and have confided things to eachother. She did my wedding party hairstyles and did an exceptional job. I even invited her to my wedding reception! We were once talking and she told me how she had this idea of me being a snobbish prude! I laughed and told her that was my exact impression of her. And it got me thinking how I would have never found a friend in her, had it not been a hair accident, when it shouldn’t have been so. We should have met and become friends for the sole reason of liking eachother and sharing ideas and opinions, likes and dislikes. But no no no, nothing that simple for Complicated-Me.
How do we get to have such ideas about other people without knowing them, without ever having talked to them? I abhor prejudice in all its’ forms, yet I am the first one prejudicing against people over a hunch or a feeling I have. Even writing this, I realize how stupid this sounds, but it’s true. I argue with A, my friends and my mum over something which I know is perhaps wrong or incorrect, yet I stick to my guns and never waive away from my thoughts. Every once in a blue moon I may sometimes admit to being in the wrong – but only to people I know fairly well and who know of this defect of mine.
Add all this to the fact that I am one of the most reserved people I know (A is sometimes similar to me in this aspect), and I am not the easiest person to be around. I may be with a group of people who are talking, yet I remain silent all throughout just because I do not feel like talking and prefer listening only. That sometimes leads to people thinking I’m bored, snobbish or just rude, but really all it is is me not wanting to talk. At times I go to public places and listen to other people telling anyone who can listen, all about their situations, their problems, their lives, and I inwardly cringe, because that could never ever be me unless I truly know the people or feel totally comfortable around them. I have never understood how someone would want to share their life story with every Tom, Dick and Harry in the room. I have had numerous arguments with my mother because she is always telling me how I rarely talk and converse. I am private, painfully so at times. I have never talked to anyone about my father’s loss, bar A and a handful of friends. I have had people talk in front of me about so-called tragedies – menial things in my opinion (father breaking an arm or brother going in for appendicitis and being released from hospital the same day – yes, I am a tough cookie when it comes to this), and I would be raging with anger how some people do not put any perspective into what they say, but I would say nothing partly because I would feel uncomfortable sharing things with anyone, and partly because I would fear just breaking out at them and in front of them. A similar thing happened a couple of months after my father passed away. I used to go to aerobics lessons which I loved and which were the only form of exercise which I strictly did twice a week for three years. When I started going again after it had happened, a newbie whom I had never talked to, came up to me and told me “At least it was your father and not your mother who passed away, because it’s always the mother who keeps the family together”. I was shocked, appalled and to this day, when I see this idiot on the street, I have to restrain myself from spitting in her face or kicking her in her gut. Yet I never did at the time because I was shell-shocked and totally paralyzed with horror at how someone could be so insensible in the face of another person’s pain, suffering and loss. I do not react now because I do not think she’s worth the hassle, and I will never let my guard down in front of her.
Having said that I am not a meek lamb. I am outspoken, I act rashly at times and I am too honest. But I will only act out in any way if I think someone’s worth it. In the face of ignorance, I choose to be silent.
What brought this on? I really do not know.
I live in a world of my own, I sometimes suffer as a result of my thoughts and inaction, and thank God not many of my like are around!