Papa arrived last Friday early morning, bringing along with him the much-awaited Bugaboo Bee, the Samsung Baby Monitor, and other baby paraphernia, which he was only happy to carry along with him. The Bee is as light as promised on every website and review I had checked out before C’s birth, and the Baby Monitor is, in my opinion, just an excuse for a gadget-crazy father like A, to get another new ‘toy’. It is cool I must admit, for it has night vision, you can communicate through it, put on music and light from 300 metres away, and basically spy on the baby from every angle you want. However we do not live in a six-bedroomed palace – we live in a penthouse, and the only real use we are getting out of it is when we stay out on the terrace and little C remains indoors. For some reason I feel as if we are in a scene out of an Austin Powers movie, with us seemingly spying and communicating with the little one. On the other hand, I get to see C’s every move and wiggle, and for a new mother like myself that has me running indoors just to make sure that she is not crying or wants anything.
Yesterday evening marked C’s first proper outside visit – the two previous ones were confined in the car seat and had her staying in the car. Yesterday we planned on taking her out in her Bee, introducing her to our friends and allowing myself and A to have a semi-normal evening out. However things did not turn out exactly as planned.
For as soon as we changed her, C woke up and made it very clear from the get-go that she was not going to be put back to sleep or stay put. She was hungry (although she had only fed a couple of hours beforehand) and I have learnt that breastfeeding means lots of patience and time. It also means waving goodbye to any plans I had made. So after her ‘first’ feeds (for C has several short feeds which altogether construe one proper feed), we put her in the blessed Bee, and ventured outside. And after 20 steps we were rushing in again, because she was screaming…boy, was she screaming. People were looking at us, C was screaming her head off, she was becoming red and I knew that she was still hungry. Back indoors I gave her another feed, however she had then become fidgety and all fussy and began crying. And we did not know what was wrong with her. It later on proved that she was still hungry, because after an hour of breastfeeding, she gulped down 3 ounces of previously pumped milk, let out an enormous burp and eventually slept. At 12.30am. I urged A to go out – after all it was useless having him stay indoors with me, when it was myself (or rather, my breast) which could satisfy C. So I removed my make-up and went to bed, totally drained and wiped out.
So now I am thinking whether C is having enough of my milk, or whether I should also introduce formula milk. I am rather lucky to have A’s father at my beck and call, and being a doctor, he is able to answer my queries and put my mind at rest when it comes to some doubts I may have. Yesterday he weighed C, checked her nappy contents and it all showed that C is gaining weight, her poop is the way it should be, and she is a healthy, growing baby. She may have been uncomfortable, maybe with passing gas or with trying to poop, she definitely was still hungry, however I became very tense and worried, and ended up crying together with C. I was imagining my life confined to the indoors, with a crying, restless baby, and no hope in the future. Scary thoughts pass through your mind in the ungodly early hours of the day.
Then this morning we took her to Arkadia and I was preparing for another episode of the screaming-baby show. However for the whole two hours we were there, she was sleeping, smiling in her dreams and basically being the best baby around! We managed to go round the shops, have a coffee and meet up friends. She was quiet and peaceful-looking – in short, the perfect baby. So perhaps yesterday’s episode was a freak one…not to be repeated too often, I’m hoping!
Tonight, we are trying again. We will change yesterday’s routine, however we are persistent to get her out of the house and manage to take a stroll with her in tow. I have pumped some milk, since I am still not too comfortable with whipping out my boobs in public, and we shall see how it goes.
All in all, it goes to show how much my life has changed. Better still, our life has changed. Appointments can not be made, and an outing can last a total of a couple of minutes, instead of the planned hour or two. But still, with all the tears that were shed, screams that were let out and feelings of desperation and despair that I felt yesterday, I look at her sleeping now, and would not change anything for the world.