Grey


What is so great about growing up?

Getting older has its’ perks. As they say, you grow into your own skin, you learn to accept yourself more, faults and all, and you find your path in life which you eventually realize and set forth into. You learn who your true friends are, you laugh off peer pressure, you become more appreciative and you become more grateful for the simple things in life. When you meet that special person you thank your lucky stars that s/he feels the same way about you, and when you become a parent you learn to love beyond anyone and anything in life.

But growing up sucks at times.

Living life and growing up, life becomes more complicated and you realize there exist a million shades of grey instead of the simple black and white you thought life was made up of. You live through tragedies that you never expected and which shatter you into pieces. An older you is faced with new worries everyday, and setting them aside does not make them go away. More responsibility equals more headaches and every decision you take is met with a multitude of questions and hypothesis. You may feel like a young teenager at heart, but your age is always there to remind you that you aren’t, not anymore. You realize that you can not get away with certain things like before, and you find out, sometimes painfully, that every action carries with it a reaction.

Why did we want to grow up when we were younger?

I look at Cesca and I am so curious to know what she thinks about, what her mind processes and takes in, what she feels is important to her and what she makes of people and events. We have all been lucky enough to enjoy childhood, the carefree lifestyle that does not go into the future or the past – the here and now is all that matters. Cesca plays for hours at end with plastic animals and blocks, she hides my makeup in my shoes and stashes things away underneath the sofa which only reappear when I’m cleaning. Her life is all about the present. ‘I want’, ‘now’, ‘go bye-bye’, ‘hungry’, ‘toys’ – those are her priorities. She is an innocent little girl. She is such a trusting baby, she loves cuddling and with one hug she’s your friend for life. She is explorative, trying on my necklaces and then going in front of the mirror, kissing her reflection and saying ‘how pretty’. She falls, she cries for a minute and she’s then back to her cheerful self. Nothing really seems to get to her. Life is all about toys, food and love.

If only life were to remain that way for her.

I’d give everything for it to do so. I’d give everything to keep her from getting hurt, from learning that life is not always rosey and peachey and from finding out that sometimes positive intentions don’t always yield good results.

But she will grow up and live her life and learn that life is not always what we want it to be. She will find out that she may plan one thing and get another totally different thing in return. She will learn that people are not all what they seem to be and trust is a delicate link. A very delicate one.

In the meantime I enjoy her innocence. I write these posts and take her pictures to remind me and her when she grows up, that it’s the simple things which make us happy. A loving family, good health and living life with a smile. The rest is too volatile, too shifty and too unreliable to lean upon and trust.

So I’m drinking in her smiles, her hugs, her kisses, her attempts at biting off my nose, her playing and laughing at my wiggling toes and her fascination with her belly-button and I’m loving it. I just wish she could remember this time now, her happiness at the moment and hold it close at heart to cherish forever, and to go back to these happy times when she’s older and life is not so perfect and smiles are scarce.

No, growing up is not so great. But finding happiness, realizing it and keeping positive is.

So I’m trying.

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2 thoughts on “Grey

  1. I’m going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and your thoughts are how I feel right now…
    I happy and content with my family and life, but what I wouldn’t give to go back in time, when we were still a family of six, so carefree and no worries. I miss my family and now yet another part of that life will soon be over… But we have to go forward… No going back…..
    Enjoy her Jo, each and every moment, and yes, also some time for yourself, as a mom, you deserve it…..

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