I honestly never thought i would write here again. I have had periods of silence on this blog before, but never as long as this. No time ever seemed right to start writing again. No event prompted me to sit down, unearth my dusty computer and start typing. There was always something else to do, a heavy disinterested feeling descended, the urge to write withered away and life somehow ensued.
Until recently, when certain events came out which reminded me not only how much I loved using this blog, but also how helpful it was to me, in more ways than one, and in many ways which were till now unknown even to myself.
These past couple of weeks have been eventful to say the least. Things were happening and life was continuing on and instead of giving myself the time to stop and rest, think about things and proceed, I insisted on marching on and on, ignoring signs my body was giving me that am no super-woman, that I needed to stop and recharge, energize, tackle issues I had previously tossed aside and only then move forward. I was a wife, a mother, a working woman, a daughter, I had my life divided between different aspects and I could not afford to stop. I had to keep moving on.
We all feel burdened by life’s happenings at times. Sometimes we manage to deal the them, at times we knowingly ignore them either because we deem them as unimportant or because it is much more convenient for us to do so. We pile them away and we foolishly convince ourselves that everything has been dealt with. The joke is on us.
I had somehow disregarded and downplayed certain things which happened to me in the past. So many events have led me to my here and now. Some things I dealt with accordingly, others I planned on dealing with ‘later’. But life does not always allow us to do so. Other things pop up, we forget previous occurences and think all is well.
However as I now know and understand, there is only so much the mind and body can hold on to. What needs to be dealt with, can not be escaped from. Past events, as painful, frivolous or forgotten as we may think them, must be dealt with. And they usual demand to be dealt with at a time when life is smooth and plain-sailing. We are living a happy period. We are healthy, we have now fully adjusted to living life as islanders, we have exciting things in our pipelines, everything is settled. And so it was that more confusing, because why would I feel anxious when there was nothing worrying me in my present?
I did not know the answer to that. I did not now how to deal with something which I knew nothing about. If I did not know what was worrying me, how could I handle it?
Anxiety is a culmination of small fears, be they what may. Fear is a vicious circle. Fear feeds on fear, the more you fear something the more it will happen and the stronger its manifestations will be. I knew that I had to handle whatever was bothering me straight-on, without holding anything back and without prettifying it or making any excuses.
That is when someone close to me recommended Reiki. I had never heard about this and I knew nothing about it. But in my anxious state I knew I had nothing to lose, and agreed to meet up with Monica, a Reiki Master, who calmly explained it all and what it involved. I have to say that after hearing about Reiki, I was not convinced that this would help. I did not fully believe in the power my mind could exert over my body.
What I really wanted was a quick-fix. I wanted something that would help me instantly without having to delve deep into myself and deal with issues I had un/knowingly and un/intentionally pushed back deep into myself. But I decided to give Reiki a go.
After the first session I felt and appeared much more relaxed. I went home feeling lighter and I started to believe that perhaps things could really change with Reiki. It was only during the second session that I truly felt the change happening, both during and after the session. Things which I had always been doing and which were not possible in my anxious state – sitting down on the sofa and watching a TV programme, reading and playing with Cesca, were possible again. The tense and sharp edge which was characterizing each and every action of mine, was slowly slowly getting filed away.
Today I am still working on myself. I have moments when for some insipid reason I get worked up again, but I am now able to deal with it. Monica helped me set up personal mantras and small exercises which put me back on the right track. Writing here is one of those things. As silly as it may sound, this small outlet of mine was helping me so much with airing frivolous things instead of bottling things inside and classifying them as ‘insignificant’.
I now deal with whatever I feel is causing me anxiety of any sort. I stop and think it over, I reason it out aloud and I figure out why it caused me to feel the way I did. When I know it is all done and sorted, only then do I let it go. And I now know it will stay gone. And if the anxiety remains, I breath. I take deep breaths which always help in lowering any level of anxiety or unease I may be feeling.
I try and find a couple of minutes a day where I just stop. I switch off all electronic equipment and sit in the quiet, me and my thoughts. Whatever may be on my mind pops up then and that way I can deal with it there and then.
I do not speculate and think too much of something which may or may not ever happen. I now know that I can not control everything, I am no superwoman. But I do know that I can control how I deal with it, should it ever happen.
Monica suggested Epsom salts and I use them alongside the Bach remedy drops. Coupled together they work miracles, and allow any unresolved thought come up to the surface and be dealt with. The Epsom salts are great because they can basically be used anywhere and with everything! As for the drops, they’re handy and can be carried with you wherever you are.
I now talk about what is bothering me. I realized that my intention of not bothering people and therefore not talking about certain things was not really working, because the people I care for most were still realizing that I was not my usual self. I had become short-tempered, on edge and overall just restless. That was not the person I knew I was.
This post was originally meant as a note to myself and for my eyes only. It was never meant to be published, because let’s face, if I wanted to write a come-back post, this topic would not have been it. But thinking about it all, I realized that I wished I had read about this topic and had known about Reiki when I started feeling anxious. Therefore if any one sentence written here hits home with any one of you, just know you are not alone. I wanted someone to tell me what I know now:
a. I am normal and not alone in feeling the way I did.
b. I was just going through a temporary glitch.
c. It will get worse before it starts getting better.
d. I would return back to normal in no time at all.
Anxiety is a lonely thing. You can not explain it rationally to yourself, let alone other people. I am thankful for meeting Monica and for being introduced to Reiki. And I mostly proud of myself for dealing with it with the power of positive energy alone.
Life works in mysterious ways. In the darkest moments I found the most positive experience I could have ever imagined. Please note that this post is not an advert for Monica or her clinic, because any one who has ever met her will understand me when I say that the calming aura that surrounds her makes you realize how special she is, and she definitely needs no words of recommendation from me to do what she is so ably doing. I only mention her because her words and sessions have helped me so much, and are still doing so today.
There is nothing wrong in asking for help when you can’t understand something.Do not ever underestimate the power of the mind. It is a strong healer and it has the ability to cure us of things which at their worse, seem impossible.
So I’m back it seems. Again, not the Back-Blogging Post i had in mind. But then rarely do things go according to plan.