About bloody time


After starting and deleting and discarding unfinished posts, I have now decided to stop procrastinating and actually finish and publish a post – the first in what has been ages! I miss my happy place, my own personal space where I can say what I feel like saying and interact with people who share their thoughts and opinions with me.

Finally!

I have been busy and life has been hectic but then again so is anyone’s who works and has young children at home. School has just finished, another year done and dusted. The girls are growing up so quickly, a fact I only tend to truly realize when a birthday is approaching because somehow, apart from the fact that they’re growing at an alarming rate, they’re still my little girls. So I acknowledge that they’re growing and that Cesca’s sudden eruptions of young-girl-drama are nothing but a phase of her age, and try to accept that time is passing. And I try really, really hard to stay in the moment. To not think how I can’t stop them growing up and changing. So I bask in Bettina’s kisses and Cesca telling me I’m the best mama’ ever, and enjoy the here and now.

That, perhaps has been something I have been working on lately. To stay focused on the now. You can’t stay worried over something which might never be, or fixate over things you have no control over. I am trying to start letting go, of going with the flow, enjoying the present and let the future play out by itself. I want to be present during the present, and although sometimes my mind doesn’t let me, I keep on trying.

What grounds me?

Controlling my breaths, spending time with the girls and having the most random conversations ever, having a coffee with mum, my crazy-hour training sessions and my  beautiful friends there, chatting and going out with A. When I find a few free minutes, I clean my crystals and meditate. Other times it’s housework which just frees my mind and lets me lose myself in what I’m doing. Reading is always a welcome distraction.

And sometimes, when nothing works and my mind keeps wandering, I just try and live it all out. I try and let all my fears and worries come out into the open, because when I manage that, I realize that they’re not really that serious or scary to begin with. Because when I worry about the girls growing up, getting hurt, leaving home, I then realize that they might grow up, but that doesn’t mean I will lose them. They might leave home, but our home will always be their home. And I realize that everyday I have them in my life is a day where we can make new memories. Memories for them and for me.

Thank you dear friends for encouraging me, all in your own ways, to start using this page again. I had honestly forgotten how positive and encouraging all this feels. It may sound silly, but I get a liberating feeling doing this. Friends and strangers reading this, thank you.

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